ASK ROSCOE: North Korea goes unclear

Dear Roscoe:

Is it true that North Korea had a nuclear test over the weekend? I’m confused by some of the conflicting accounts I’ve been hearing. Can you clarify?

--M. El-Baradei

Dear M.:

Yeah, why do you think Kim Jong-Il has been staying up so late studying lately? :-)

But seriously, M. You’ve come to the right place. I believe I can clear this up. We’re still waiting for the official clarification to come over the news wire, but we think this is a simple case of a typographical error. (Happens all the time when you go from an idiogram tongue to a real language, like English.) They just transposed a couple letters.

Instead of “NUclear,” it was really supposed to be “UNclear.” In other words, if little Kim wants us to believe he went NUclear, then where’s all the radiation and grotesque mutants and stuff? (Besides little Kim, we mean.) We suspect it was just a hundred gazillion Chinese M80s set off down in a hole to make us think he went nuclear. (Hah!) If that’s the standard, Cecil Cardinger and I were a nuclear power in the fourth grade.

Hope that, uh, clears it up for you, M. Glad we could help.

--Roscoe

Dear Roscoe:

Um, what’s with this “brain-reduction” surgery? Frankly, from reading this blog we didn’t think you really had that much to spare. What’s being done with the leftovers?

--H. Dean, M.D.


Dear H.:

Oh. Think we’re so clever, do we? You’re a doctor, and you don’t know about the Brain Bank? From reading your petty partisan propaganda, I think you might want to look into getting a long-term loan.

FYI, the Brain Bank has various levels: Republican brains, $100 an ounce. Independent brains, $250 an ounce. Democrat brains, $1,000 an ounce.

Know why Democrat brains are so much more expensive? Hmm?

‘Cause it takes so d*** many more of them to get an ounce! That’s why.

--Roscoe