STICK A FORK IN THEM

So, it’s come to this: It’s either the United States or The New York Times. We can’t have both, apparently.

Us or them. And for the record, we choose the United States.

Not that The Los Angeles Times and others don’t share culpability in these traitorous, treacherous and accelerating exposures of national security secrets in a time of war. But, as New York Congressman Peter King has famously stated, the NYT is a “recidivist, serial offender.” And they’re the leader of the elite, anti-war mainstream mediocracy pack. Take care of them, and you probably take care of them all.

It’s really not that hard. The fish wrappers in most American cities are already on the ropes with declining circulation, advertising and total readership. Even the NYT is barely treading water. They are not exactly dealing from a position of strength, and there are any number of good strategies that could—and should—be applied to the egg-sucking, anti-American miscreants. Such as:

o Our favorite: Call Congressional hearings now. Rep. King’s Homeland Security Committee, among others, could do it. Just the prospect of Bill Keller in the dock, having to explain why what his paper is doing is not treason, would no doubt be remarkably perspective-restoring for all. Advantage: It keeps the executive branch out of the First Amendment fray.

o Revoke their Library of Congress card. Their books are probably all overdue, anyway.

o Revoke their White House press credentials. That’s a no-brainer. Those things are only for legitimate news organizations and Helen Thomas. Come to think of it, revoke hers, too. Why allow nut cases into the White House?

o Indict Bill Keller. Disadvantage: You make a hero out of him, among some. Others, trying to establish their journalistic cojones, may try to emulate Keller’s treachery in solidarity. Indict them, too. Advantage: A judicial strategy that, again, keeps the executive branch out of it.

o Investigate the heck out of suspected government leaksters and bring them up on charges. It worked with former CIA administrator Mary McCarthy, who’s lucky to be a frequent flyer now on Monster.com. She could be behind bars. Laws are being broken, for crying out loud, by our very government servants who are sworn to uphold them.

o Our next favorite: Boycott the NYT’s major advertisers. We haven’t done our homework on this yet, but we will. This would have to be organized and very public for it to work—but, boy, does it work. Especially in today’s newspaper economy, this could have ’em crying “uncle/aunt” in no time. We’ll let you know what we find out.

o Third favorite: A subscription boycott. Disadvantage: Much harder, as most of their subscribers are unregenerate libs. But not all--and people canceling their subscriptions would be very powerful. And it would be a civic blessing. The NYT is a dinosaur, and it should go the way of the dinosaurs. (Uh, just where did they go, anyway?) It’s not like Gotham would be bereft of fish wrappings. There’s the Post and the Daily News and the relatively new—and conservative—Sun. We’re sure they’d welcome NYT subscribers with open arms. And certainly the community would be the better for it.

o Diciest: The NYT could experience an, uh, accident. (Pay attention now, you Delta Force guys.) Like rolling brownouts that only affect Times Square. Like labor difficulties on the delivery docks. Like a mysterious electromagnetic pulse that takes out every electronic device on premises—every 2.5 hours. Like kiddie porn found on Bill Keller’s computer. Like their phone lines jammed with thousands of outside calls for three or four weeks. Let your imagination go wild.

Well, that’s it for starters. Other ideas? Send ’em along. We’ll post ’em. (And, friends of Roscoe: Give us some exposure on this, will you? Our numbers still suck.)