ASK ROSCOE: Poor, poor, pitiful GOP me

Dear Roscoe:

My comment about your Gerry Studds piece: [See Sunday’s “First openly homosexual congressman dies at 69.”] You’re ignorant. You’re a homophobe. And you’re obviously a right-wingnut Republican shill. But I suppose your mother loves you.

--D. Brock

Dear D.:

Well, I’m glad you brought that up, actually. What was it that made that Through the Looking Glass obit of Congressman Gerry “Page Me” Studds especially timely? Right—the current Mark Foley congressional page scandal. You know, the Dems’ October Surprise attack on the GOP in the run-up to the November election.

Hmm. Well, that being the case, can you tell me what party Congressman Studds belonged to? Don’t bother looking at the Associated Press obit. I read it three times, and not once did it mention Studds’ party affiliation. Now, why do you suppose that might be? Do you think if Studds had been a Republican that it might have rated a mention? (Don’t make me laugh; I’ve got a needle in my belly.)

Bottom line: Would you rather be a right-wingnut Republican or a dishonest, hypocritical, truth-perverting neo-lib Democrat? You decide.

--Roscoe

P.S. Nah. My mother couldn’t really stand me, either.

Dear Roscoe:

You’re ignorant. Husbands are males and wives are females. So, if a gay man is married to another man, they’re both each other’s husband. And if a lesbian is married to another lesbian, they’re both each other’s wife. What’s so difficult about that, you moron?

--B. Streisand

Dear F-Bomb:

You sure about that? What if you’re a cigar-smoking, oil-changing dominant butch bull dyke—are you going to want to be called somebody’s “wife”? And what if you’re a raving, macramé-ing, interior-decorating, effeminating kind of guy—do you want to be called the “husband”?

Maybe. But we think this is a long way from settled law, and you may be making way too many assumptions. Rather than stealing somebody else’s good name, why don’t these folks try to be a little more original and come up with different names for these new situations?

The Swedes, for example, don’t call all four grandparents “grandmother” and “grandfather.” Each one has a different name: Farmor is the father’s mother. Farfar is the father’s father. Morfar is the mother’s father. And Mormor is the mother’s mother.

I know: Let’s start a Name-the-Partner contest. For the person who comes up with the winning entry, The Roscoe Daley Report will award one free copy of Prayers for the Assassin in its paperback edition, coming out in two weeks.

--Roscoe