Isn't it about time, Helen?

Herewith begins a new adventure for The Roscoe Daley Report. Each week we will be profiling a prominent American journalist for nomination, as it were, to the Mainstream Mediocracy Hall of Shame. And what better person to start the adventure but with Helen "Dean of the White House Press Corp" Thomas?

Take it away, Helen

Most families have a Helen Thomas, a screwy old loony toon who no longer cares if somebody might be offended if she farts at the dinner table. They're humored, tolerated and even pampered because that's what you do with family members when they start to misplace a marble or two and they think their advanced age entitles them to say any old outrageous thing to anyone they please, anywhere, anytime. It's fairly well-intentioned denial among consenting adults for the sake of familyness.

Unfortunately, when the toon's family happens to be an information business that buys ink by the barrel and paper by the flatcar, the outrages occur on a much grander scale. Like at White House press conferences with the Leader of the Free World and the assembled Washington press corps, aka the Mainstream Mediocracy.

So, this week is dedicated to you, Helen. We'll be reprising some of your finest moments, such as when you vowed to kill yourself if Dick Cheney runs for president in '08. Do I hear a Draft Cheney movement rustling in the wings?

And, oh yes: Helen, we think you've done enough. We're asking you to consider making a bequest to the national welfare: Your retirement.

And, Helen, we're not just farting around...