ASK ROSCOEDINEJAD

Dear Roscoedinejad,

Say, I’m disgusted with all the hypocrisy in the church, plus all those right-wingnut, intolerant, theocratic fundies who’ve hijacked the Christian religion. Could Islamobaptism be the ticket for me? Can you give me an idea of some of your beliefs?

--R. O’Donnell

P.S. You messed up yesterday. There are two Joos on the Supreme Court—Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer. Apologize now, you sphincter.

Dear R.,

Sure thing, infidel. Lose that Jerry Falwell stuff—it’s for losers. Join the winning team. Become an Islamobaptist!

Our beliefs? Here’s a few key teachings:

· If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge out your brother’s and throw it away!
· You have heard it said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that if any man looks at a woman lustfully, she shall be stoned!
· You have heard it said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you your neighbor ain’t no prize, neither!
· Do unto others!
· If someone strikes you on the right cheek, f*rt in his face!

There, now. Isn’t that a whole lot better? Works for me.

--Roscoedinejad

P.S. Apologize? I don’t think so, Puerca. Just wait till we get you in a burqa...